Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Vaults of Vyzor #29

(report by Maxime Golubchik)

A few pages from Emma Bright Eye's diary.

Dear Diary

I CAN WRITE! Oh having fingers feels so nice. I've been stuck as an owl for the last month and man does it feel good to stretch. I've been pretending to be Sharene's pet owl while she's disguised as an elven scientist. And she's so good at it! She's started learning all the sciencey gobbledygook and the egg-heads are totally buying it. While she's busy chatting them up, I look at the plans! Mwahaha! We're a team of super spies!

Our next nefarious scheme is to 'rescue' back those blueprints dad Barnabus stole! I bet the team has spent the last month going over them. So me and Sharene Sharene and I will conduct a daring surface 'raid' and steal them back. Except they'll be fakes! The team will have totally screwed them up! Sharene will look like a hero AND we'll sabotage their evil plan. Take that elf king!

Man is it a good thing I keep this diary in my room and not on me. I'd be a really bad spy if just carried a written copy of my master plan everywhere.

So now that I'm up here to grab the plans, I figure I'll relax a little, stretch, maybe drink some hot chocolate. I should bring Sharene something nice too. Candy? If they ask Sharene where she got candy she can just say she stole it from the nefarious surface dwellers. Though some of those guys don’t even believe in the surface. That's so sad. Oh, maybe if I bring flowers that will prove the surface is real!

Well it's settled! I'm off to pick some flowers and buy some candy!

Dear Diary

Something wonderful happened today. Best shopping trip ever.

So I went to the Sign of the Mule to get some candy for Sharene, except I kinda forgot to bring any money (besides my first gold piece of course, but no way I'm spending THAT). I felt really silly, but in my defense, it's usually Dale who does the shopping. And I've been an owl for a month! I forgot I even have pockets.

But on my way back to the library I ran into Mario de Parma and Kat the Cleric. With them were a pair of little gnome girls, Daphissa and Babis. They were sisters I think. Bringing them was a terrible idea, but at the time all I could think was good for them! Learning how to kick ass should start young. The family that slays together stays together.

Everyone was headed into the Citrine Vault and I thought, hey, why not tag along? I could punch some stuff and get some spending cash too. I'm not usually as punch happy as dad Barnabus, but you know; stuck as an owl. It just feels so good to have fists.

So we go down stairs, past the trash room (disgusting), and get to the T intersection. And the party say let's go to the left, since they heard there's a brothel over there.

Okay, so I'm not an idiot. I know what a brothel is. But… I guess I was curious? It doesn't help that I've had romance on my mind recently. Ever since I woke up from my coma* really. And I mean I

It's not like I don't
I obviously wouldn't

Don't look at me like that! You're just a stupid book! Just because you're a book don't think I won't punch you!

* Scrawled on the side: I was out for MONTHS. Months! AGHRRHG stupid lobster fish god thing! I hate her and I hate fish and I hate the ocean and every time I bite into seafood now I think REVENGE! I'll eat all of you fuckers!

So I went with them. The first door we came to the gnome girls said they heard something scary inside. We were on a (pervy) mission, so we decided to find out what was in there afterwards. That… didn't really end up happening.

The second door we found wasn't even on the map, so we guessed it was the brothel. We talked about it and decided to knock, since it would make a really bad first impression to just bust the door down. We were pretty surprised when a voice inside asked us what we wanted!* It said the brothel was just down the hall, so that's where we went. Thanks, mysterious voice!

* Scrawled on the other side: but I guess we shouldn't be? If you knocked on my door I'd just answer it politely too. As adventures we always listen to doors for intel, but we never knock on them. If you knock on the door and no one answers, it's probably empty! If you knock on the door and something scary answers, say wrong adress sorry! If someone mean answers you can just open the door into their face. I feel like a genius and a moron right now.

And yep, there it was. Past two kobold guards was a huge room, all dressed in nice carpets and fancy curtains and throw pillows. It's a shame we had to leave most of that stuff behind; that would have been a great look for the library! The place was also packed with orc girls. There were all sorts! Some were really really (really) pretty and some looked more like pigs then people. I guess it takes all kinds.

At this point we realized two things.
1. Why did we take little children to the brothel?! We told the girls to cover their eyes.
2. We just came into a brothel with no money. We are idiots
Well, me and Kat. But she had brought a lot of wine, so she started a party, and I pretended to have cash and talked to some girls. At which point I remembered that I needed to recruit someone! Me and Sharene make a great team, but if there was three of us we could be an entire coven! Just like the ink witches, one human, one elf, one orc! But orcs don't really live in Vyzor, and all the orcs I've met in the dungeon so far have been guys. So it was pretty awesome that I blundered into like the perfect opportunity. If anyone asks me, this is totally why I went to an orcish brothel. This was the plan all along.

Barnabus just saw me writing and asked why I don't just dictate this to Dale. Ha ha ha, yeah, that last paragraph is why. There are things in this journal no one must ever know.

I saw this one girl called Raka who was closer to my age, so I started talking to her. In whispers I asked her if she wanted to get out of this place and live a life of adventure. Her eyes lit up like lanterns, and she led me to a back room, where I found a pregnant elf girl. Raka said no one knew she was here, and she and some of the other girls wanted to get the pregnant elf girl out, but they were afraid of spies.

See, this is why magic is the best. I just cast ESP and went back out into the main room. Two pretty orc ladies were busy thinking about how much it sucked having to pretend to be orcs for the elf king. Boom, gotchya. I AM A MASTER SPY. My guess was that they were polymophed elves.

I tell this to Mario and HIS eyes light up like lanterns. So he goes up to them, pays 100 gold pieces, and then the three of them walk behind a curtain. After that I hear the sounds of chains and whipping and Mario began yelling "Harder! Harder!" Then I heard the girls asks him "How many people are in your group? How strong is your party of adventurers?" but he just kept screaming harder. I think someone needs to tell him how sex works. Or maybe someone needs to tell me how sex works. I'm not sure anymore.

So while… that was going on, me and Kat keep splashing around the wine (I had to break into my supply at this point, since she had run out). I go to find the madame, who a fat kobold, and cast Charm on her, and tell her to join the party. Everyone's having a good time when, in my best ring master voice, I ask who wants to walk out to freedom?

The answer was everyone. Except the kobold guards. I tell them that the party is getting CRAZY (which to be fair it was), and that when we come back the girls are going to be in the mood for freebies, but one of the bums wasn't buying it. He took out a whistle and I tried to grab it out of his hand, but kobolds are so short you know? He kept getting the thing away from me. But then the other guard tackled him to the ground, yelling "Don't ruin this for me man!" PERFECT DISTRACTION. We all file out of there.

And that's how Kat and I got everyone to the T intersection! Half the orc girls went to the left back to orcish territory: I hope things work out for them. The other half ran up to Vyzor. Rescue mission 100 PERCENT SUCCESFUL I went back to the brothel, where Mario was STILL yelling. Me and Kat shrugged and started taking everything that wasn't nailed down.

Eventually Mario and the spy girls came out. Surprised that the place was empty, they started arguing with the kobold guards. We could have left. We totally could have. But we got this awesome chance for a sneak attack, right here! Plus we wanted to take everything. So while she's bickering with her partner, I came up to an orc spy and belted her right across the face. I punched her so hard her head turned around 180 degrees!

And then slowly spuuuuuuun right back into place, and she has this wicked grin on her face. She was not a polymoprhed elf! Her skin smoothened out, little horns grow from her forehead, wings unfurled from her back, and I could hear her top straining to contain a lot more cleavage. And that's how I learned that succubi (orccubi?) are immune to normal damage.

But was she immune to being choked out? I have no idea: I tried to put her in an headlock but she pinned me to ground. And then made out with me.

It was AMAZING. She was SO GOOD AT IT.

Her lips were so soft! And she was right on top of me, chest heaving, her skin green and warm and [Editor's note: this section goes on for far too long. I'm going to skip you a couple pages of florid description and summarize: it was super hot.]

Even after it ended I was in a pleasant haze. I only sobered up when I saw the other orccubi start stabbing my friends with her nails. Which is terrible; if that succubus could chill out then I could have kept kissing her friend! But blood was flying and we had no way to hurt them so everyone ran out of the room screaming.

Except for the gnome kids! I even yelled "Retreat! Retreat!" but they just kept trying to stab her! So I had to run in there, grab them both by the collar and then run the heck back out! I told the kids to throw EVERYTHING ON MY BELT AT THEM, but they could fly so it didn't really slow them down.

Now I have to buy all of that stuff again! Snail damn it!

I really should have cast invisibility on us all, but I was so mushed up inside that I couldn't even remember how to cast it. Writing this I kinda still can't! [Editor's note: she was not feeling mushed up inside. She was feeling level drained. Emma still hasn't figured this out]. Still, we barely got out in time. The guards next to the citrine vault had to slam the doors right on the demon's fingers! And we had to leave most of the treasure, but we still got 70 gold pieces each out of it.

And so that's how I got the cash to buy some candy. And fell in love! Moral of the story: If you quit while you're ahead you miss out on AMAZING KISSES.

Dear Diary

So you know the elf girl I rescued? Princess! She's a princess! Nobody told me this! Turns out she ran away from the elf king!

Huh, I think I remember reading a spell somewhere that kills a person's entire family? Which is horrible, but if I research it and alter it… hmm. Maybe I could ask Pete Loudly for help*.

* Scrawled on the other side: Or I could just get the Elf King to eat Sharene's acorn. Now THAT would be AWESOME! That would be like, the second coolest death ever.

Well anyway, after the BEST KISS IN THE WORLD everyone took a breather. I bought some candy, went back to the library, napped, wrote in my diary (duh you where there diary), and then met back up with the gang. We didn't really pull all that much money out from the vaults, so me and Kat and Mario Kat and Mario and I felt brave enough for round two!

I suggested the Citrine vault again but everyone shot me down. AAAAGGGH why did that orccubi's friend have to be such a bitch! I could be making out RIGHT NOW if she hadn't attacked my friends! Aaaaaaaaggggghh I hate her I hate her I hate her

So we decided on the Verdant Vault instead. We went down a corridor that no one EVER went down and… it was really boring. I guess that's why no one went down it! We just found a bunch of rooms with a bunch of skeletons in shackles. And one room that the gnome girls said sounded like a ghost, so we avoided that. Then up ahead we heard buzzing.

See, I was prepared for this! As soon as the party said Verdant Vault I made sure to memorize Laurantha's Efficacious Bee Charm. Laurantha has been talking about trying to cast that thing on the giant dungeon bees for forever. And you know who gets stuck on tending the magical defense hives duty? That right, me and Sharene. So when I cast Laurantha's Efficacious Bee Charm, I cast it like a CHAMP.

(Also did you know that dungeon bees can dig holes in dungeon walls? I didn't. I wonder if we can use this somehow.)

Aaaaand that's how I got 20 giant bees and a giant bee queen as my loyal slaves!
It would have been pretty cool to keep them and be(e) the bee queen, but when we got to the surface Laurantha offered us a bunch of money for them. And she's been excited about this for forever, so it was the right (and profitable) thing to do.

I still got to be(e) bee queen for a fight though! We went to the right to the old gnomish wrestling arena, and found some orcs about to impale a bunch of gnomes on spikes! Why do Orcs want to kill people in such gross way? Instead, THEY got to die in a super gross way - via agonizing giant bee venom!

The little gnome girls were still SUPER INTO stabbing someone, and I was starting to feel bad for them. So I jumped down, punched a guy in the face, and then wrestled another guy and let them stab away at him. You should have seen how happy they were! Makes me remember my first trip into the dungeon, shooting orcs with a huge crossbow I could barely carry. Good times!

We were going to start looking around for more loot, but first we needed the get the gnomes we rescued back to Vyzor. And then decided to go drinking, and kind of forgot about the dungeon. And then we ran out of money. And then I remembered where
dad Barnabus keeps the money, so I snuck inside and got some more, and then we kept drinking, and then we ran out of momney again, aaaaaaand that's how I spent 1000 gold pieces. 

I reeaaaaaally hope Barnabus doesn't get into counting anytime soon.